One of my regular readers Mrs U Salmon of Klaracakes Mansions, Cheshire, has managed to send me a most interesting package through the abysmal void of Gog-Solgoroth. The package was gashed, mutilated and coated in psychic ectoplasm, but nevertheless relatively intact.
The enclosed letter reads:
"Dear The Drowned Man,
My husband Lieutenant Paul Salmon, First Officer on board the HMS Chipbuttie, discovered this manuscript in an abandoned customs house by the Bridgewater Canal in Salford. It is a notoriously feral location filled with semi-crazed cannibals, who my dear husband had to fend off with shot and powder. Here is the enclosed papers... we felt you would be best suited to make head or tale of it.
Yours thankfully,
Mrs U Salmon,
Claracakes Mansions, Cheshire.
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| Salford Docks, Media City |
Well of course my curiosity was piqued by the strange provenance of the artifact. It had been years since any expedition had managed to penetrate so far into Salford without suffering complete extinction. The manuscript must be very ancient indeed...
I opened it, and discovered "The Signal Man" by Cobley and Hitchcock. Review forthcoming...
My husband and I await your investigations with eagerness, and not a little trepidation. My husabdn has suffered with terrible nightmares since handling this artifact. I fear his nightly visitations may be connected to the manuscript.
ReplyDeleteYours faithfully,
Mrs Salmon
I cannot say I am surprised at this turn of events. Remove all animals from his presence - his psychic corruption could make them go rabid.
ReplyDeleteI would also advise you to sleep with a loaded revolver under your pillow. The translation of the tome goes well, and perhaps by tomorrow I will have some good news...
The Drowned Man.
Yes, the ill-fated Salford expedition, how I could I forget the trials and tribulations associated with it.
ReplyDeleteIt had been hard to get Lord Gingembreville to fund it in the first place, although it was many months after our return that I found out the true reason.
I lost many good men, and a few rubbish ones, on that difficult journey. But they all held true to the values of the Navy, as immortalised by that common troupe popular with the men, known as The Pogues.
The bitterest loss was of Chief Petty Officer Jeremy Carruthers, a valued colleague who had been with me through thick and thin.
It was particularly hard to write the letter of condolence to his poor, blind mother, as my braille is so mediocre; Jeremy had always said I pressed to hard with my nib.
I look forward to scrutiny of the document, as my dear wife has said, I have suffered greatly since I opened it. Only last night I was woken once more by the sound of a terrible whistle. Although later I found I had forgotten to remove my teeth before retiring for the night.
Yours respectively
Lieutenant Salmon
My god Lieutenant I have met some plucky swashbucklers in my time ...whether fighting swarthy Houthis in the fetid souks of Khartoum or battling the lust crazed she-witches on Fiji, but i never shook the hand of a man who came out Salford Docks, Media City with limbs and sanity intact. I raise a spectral salute to you from beyond the absymal void.. Sleep well and God save the 3 Dimensional Queen!
ReplyDeleteP.S.I regret to inform you that you have been mentally impregnated by a symbiotic HaarNeg from the now extinct world of Guarrrag Yeth. Jolly sorry about it..